About six months ago, I was called in to mediate a seemingly intractable conflict between two men who worked together but could not stand to even look at one another. One was the supervisor of the other, so constant communication was necessary. Internally, the CFO had tried to mediate, and it helped for a week or two before things got bad again. The company asked me if I could help. Given the state of the relationship, I began the mediation process by meeting with the men separately.

The first party, I’ll call him Marco, was very caught up in his narrative that his colleague, Derrick, was a jerk. Despite trying many different tactics, I could not get Marco to acknowledge that his colleague had any redeeming qualities which could be a basis for rapprochement. In addition, Marco was a pretty tough character. In our first few written interactions, he had already made some personal judgments about me. If I had not been in my mediator’s persona (in which I’m a much more noble person than I am in daily life), I would likely have written him off as a jerk, or at least very rough around the edges. 

However, when I met, Marco, I instantly liked him. His big heart came through right away when he spoke about the owner of the company who had passed away recently. He also spoke adoringly of his wife. When I listened harder to what he was saying about Derrick, I heard pain more than anger. He recalled a time that the two men had gotten along very well for a period, until he said something that Derrick found homophobic. Rather than apologizing, Marco got defensive, making Derrick even more resentful, and the men hadn’t resumed a positive relationship since. I perceived that it was possibly Marco’s own self-judgment around his unskillful comment that was haunting him. Otherwise, I don’t think he would have been so focused on Derrick’s perception of him.  

At the end of our time together, I gave Marco an assignment: every single day, write down five positive things about Derrick and/or work. I told him they could be anything- like that Derrick had never demoted him, or that he took the time to brew really good coffee for the employees every morning. I told him to just write something. The important thing was him to make the list every day.  

When I described the assignment, Marco tried hard not to roll his eyes. I told him that I knew it sounded corny, but there was something about it that must rewire the brain, because I had found it helpful in so many of my own situations. I asked him if he would be willing to do it for just a few days.

The gratitude list was something that I had learned, of all places, in Al-Anon. It was something my sponsor encouraged me to do whenever I felt resentment toward someone, especially someone in my family. Because of this exercise, I learned that resentment was just a state of mind, and that it was based on a story I told myself. If I could tell myself a different story, simply by using gratitude and seeking out qualities that suggested a different narrative, then my feelings would often change, too. 

Marco really struggled with the assignment for the first week. The first day he told me he had written down two things, but that there was absolutely nothing else redeeming about Derrick. I asked him if he could make his daily list about qualities others might say were positive about Derrick. A day later, Marco called me back and said he was again hitting a wall. He complained that no one liked Derrick much, so there was little to list. I suggested he think back to a long time ago when the two had gotten along: what qualities did he see then, even if he was sure those qualities no longer existed? Finally, he seemed to find a way to complete the exercise. 

When I met Derrick, I also gave him an assignment. I told him that my perception was that Marco’s resentment seemed to be based on hurt - hurt that Derrick had written him off as bigoted, and later based on Derrick being hard on Marco about his work product. I asked Derrick if he’d be willing to say something positive to Marco every single day for a week. I asked if he observed anything that was neutral or positive, even if completely unrelated to their work together, would he please acknowledge it? Derrick agreed, and right away seemed intrigued. He seemed to sense that I was on to something. 

Five days later, Marco called me and told me that he had had an epiphany. He was going through some grieving (that he had not originally told me about), and he suspected that had colored his perception of everything for the last year, most of all work. He said he did now remember why he liked Derrick, and that for the last several days, both men were behaving completely differently around one another. He said that he and Derrick had even laughed together once, and that Derrick had complimented him on his supervisory skills. Marco said he understood that he had been a difficult employee, and that he was remembering again why he liked his job and had stayed there so many years. 

I did not hold a joint session with the parties until a few weeks later, when I felt both men could be in the same room together. The mediation only took about an hour. Things had completely transformed between them. We spent that hour making guidelines for what each person would do if they found that either of them was falling back into old behaviors or resenting the other. There were a few hard things that each had to say to the other.  However, I watched with amazement at how both listened to the other say difficult things, but without negative reaction. It was if just a few weeks of good will had built up a reserve for the two to have a very candid conversation, without going off the rails.  

I smiled to myself as I thought about the fact that people could find the most unlikely of tools to bring to the table in mediation, particularly in interpersonal mediation. I thought about other practices I had used over the years to stir things up and disrupt the perception that compromise was a zero-sum game. Here, both men had been willing to try something uncomfortable to see if they might take a step toward the other, and let go of the idea that doing so would be an unnecessary concession. In the end, I think all three of us were surprised at how transformative it had been. 

Author: Diana Maier, Partner. Diana is a mediator with a specialty in resolving employment and business dispute litigation, but also enjoys mediating interpersonal conflict, such as in a personal or professional relationship that is struggling.

This article has been prepared for general informational purposes only and does not constitute advertising, solicitation, or legal advice. If you have questions about a particular matter, please contact the Maier Law Group directly.